Journal Entries

I feel like most of the time that I post, it's about good things that are happening or breakthroughs... I tend to leave out the times that I feel sad or confused and maybe even ANGRY that such a wonderful mad has to go through this pain... that someone that served his country HAPPILY/PROUDLY for 20 years can be denied certain services that he feels will help him win this fight by an insurance company that he paid on time monthly... Today I feel SAD/MAD/CONFUSED/LOST/ANGRY/GRUMPY.... Today I'm wondering "WHY MY DAD??????".... I mean, he's such a beautiful man that mainly did good things... I know he isn't perfect, but he's pretty close in my eyes.... and that's when I tend to answer my own question.... The GOOD are always attacked... People will say things like "whatever happens is what God wanted to happen" HUH???? You can't really believe that right? This cancer is not from God, I promise you...

Today, my father feels pain in his back and it just SUCKS that there is nothing I can really do to take it away!! :-( :-( I find myself hoping and praying that God will just send the RIGHT person to knock on my front door and REVERSE everything that has happened. I know God is working and I SEE it with my own eyes...but I am not perfect and there are those days that I just can't be strong.... Practically everything we were told would happen, the opposite has happened... "He will lose weight" we were told... Well, that's not right, he's gained weight ever since he left the hospital.... "He will not have an appetite" Really? Then why is he scraping the plate clean every time I fix him food? "His bones will get worse and worse" Yeah? Then why did his Orthopedic Surgeon say that his bones are actually regenerating growth??????  I mean honestly, if we listened to everything we were told and just gave up we would have never seen how God works! Makes me sad that some people actually do throw in the towel and give up.... But my dad is only 57, there's no FREAKIN way we're standing for that.

It's amazing that as I type, I am getting stronger than I felt a few minutes ago.....

My father gave me permission to share some of his journal entries on this blog... He doesn't really want to type them himself but I will type them here from what he wrote as well as scan each entry I share.


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(March, 7, 2010) From the journal of James Muckelvene:

" I woke up around 2:55am and Pearl tells me to take my pain medicine. She is forever watching me, she loves me so. My slightest movement wakens her from her sleep. I manage to get to the bathroom and adjust the thermostat then to the pills. It finally appears we have discovered the correct dosage and times. I truly hope so. As I sit in the chair, I think about Mecia's competitive spirit, Nique's stubbornness and Tawny's let's all just get along. Each one I have in abundance. Stubborn Mecia, Competitive Tawny and well just a little why can't we all just get along Nique. But I am proud of them and love them all so much. God has allowed me and my lovely wife to build and enjoy a beautiful life and a beautiful legacy of which I am so grateful for (remember mommy) "grateful". I Love You.

scanned entry

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Until Next Time!
~Tawny

P.S. GUYS, PLEASE GET CHECKED FOR PROSTATE CANCER! IT IS SO NECESSARY! Please make an appointment TODAY! They say it's the slowest growing cancer and the easiest to cure, but when it spreads it has the ability to turn into a whole different monster.